


Boys Will Be Boys

by marmaladeSkies



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Blue Lions Boys, Dick measuring contest, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:35:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24045997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marmaladeSkies/pseuds/marmaladeSkies
Summary: The boys of the Blue Lions compare dick sizes. It’s all Sylvain’s fault, really.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42
Collections: FE3H Kink Meme





	Boys Will Be Boys

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for the Kink Meme. Please leave concrit- I’m still working on getting the characters’ voices down.

A bath was supposed to be relaxing. It was supposed to be a time to lay back, soap up, and let the hot water ease all of the aches and pains of a good day’s hard work. In an ideal world, Felix would be able to just lie back and let his mind drift.

“Mine’s bigger.”

“What? No, it isn’t.”

In an ideal world, Felix would not be sharing the bath with the boar and that immature child of a man he begrudgingly called his best friend.

“See, look- mine’s totally bigger than yours.”

“You’re clearly pulling yours to make it look longer!”

Felix plucked a bar of soap from the basket by the bathing pool and threw it at Sylvain. “They’re the same size, now shut up,” he growled.

Dimitri had the decency to look embarrassed, at least. Sylvain, on the other hand, had that jaunty expression that usually meant he was about to do something infuriating. “Well, since you cared enough to look, why don’t you join in on the contest?”

“What contest? All I see is a bunch of pointless bickering.”

Sylvain ignored him. “In fact, I’d be willing to bet 500 gold that I have the largest dick out of all of the Blue Lions. And I’ll happily prove it, too.”

Felix knew he was going to regret getting involved, but... “What, even larger than Dedue?” Dedue was proportional to his body size and that was already more than Felix cared to know.

The aforementioned man spoke up from the other side of the pool. “Leave me out of this.”

“Dedue loses by forfeit,” Sylvain said with a shrug.

“So, wait, are we judging just by length?” asked Dimitri. “Or overall size?”

“Length is easiest.”

Felix raised an eyebrow in Sylvain’s general direction. “And I’m sure you’re not just saying that because of how thin yours is.”

“It’s not thin; it’s _flexible_. This baby can get into all the-”

“Never call your dick “this baby” again,” ordered Felix.

“Did I arrive at a bad time?” asked a new voice. Felix turned around to see Ashe standing on the ledge of the pool, towel around his waist and a wash cloth in one hand.

“Just Sylvain being insufferable, as usual,” he answered.

“Oh, don’t give me that. You were totally getting into the conversation.” Sylvain waved at the newcomer. “We’re comparing dicks. Care to join us?”

“Sylvain thinks he’s the biggest of all of the Blue Lions,” explained Dimitri.

Ashe looked across the room at Dedue, then raised an eyebrow at Sylvain. “I think you might be a little overconfident there.”

“Dedue isn’t participating.”

Ashe sat down on the ledge of the bath and dipped his feet in the water. “Well, in that case. Are there terms, or are you just looking for bragging rights?”

Sylvain grinned. “We’re each putting up 500. Whoever wins gets it all.”

Felix threw another bar of soap at him. “ _Each?_ You’re doing this all on your own.”

“I’ll cover his if he loses,” said Dimitri.

“You don’t get to cover for me, you insufferable boar-”

Ashe gave them a contemplative look. “So with me, that makes for a 2,000 gold pot. Seems reasonable.”

“Do you even have the money to spare?” asked Felix. From his understanding, Ashe wasn’t exactly overflowing with spare cash, and 500 gold wasn’t a small amount by any means. Especially not for a commoner.

“I have enough,” Ashe answered, shrugging.

“So, now all we need to decide is this: length, or girth?”

“Oh for- not this again!”

“No, really, it’s an important thing to know. Because if we take girth into consideration, then I’m the clear winner,” said Dimitri.

“No one brags about how thick their dick is. Length is the way to go,” said Sylvain.

“I still say you’re both the same size and should stop talking about this immediately.”

Ashe took off his towel. “I really don’t think it matters that much,” he said.

The three of them stared. Sylvain let out a low, impressed whistle. “How do you walk with that?”

“With practice. Now, I believe the pot was 2,000 gold?”

It was only when Ashe slid into the bath that Felix could bring himself to look away. Unfortunately, ‘away’ happened to be at Dimitri, who was still staring. And _blushing_. And- well, Felix had never wanted to know what Dimitri looked like erect. Now he’d never be able to _un_ -know it.

Fuck his life.


End file.
